7-17: The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I’ll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date.
Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay!
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: When’d you meet her?
Joey: Two days ago.
Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too!
Joey: Oh yeah?
Ross: (returning) Hey.
Chandler: Hi! How’d it go?
Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy.
Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation?
Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not to worried about it.
Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating?
Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.
Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)
Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best.
Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.
Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street…
Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates.
Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates.
Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit…
Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)…a slice…(Thinks)…six dollars?
Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.
Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).
Joey: (entering) Kristen?
Kristen: Joey!
Joey: Hi!
Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?
Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I…
Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
Joey: Hi!
Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore.
Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman?
Joey: A woman in a man’s body.
Ross: Much better.
Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son.
Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.
Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben.
Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then?
Ross: Well umm…
Kristen: You’ve been married twice?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Kristen: Do you two know each other?
Joey and Ross: No. No.
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
(Kristen is not enjoying this.)
Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!
Joey: Monkey lover!
(They both notice that Kristen has left.)
Joey: When do you think we lost her?
Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.
Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home!
Monica: (from the bedroom) Don’t come in here!
Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?
Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!
Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scary me. So could you come out here please?
Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great!
Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it.
Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it.
Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look…hideous.
Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?
Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little.
Chandler: Okay!
Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?
Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.
Monica: All right? What’s going on?
(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)
Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin!
Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y’know, she could use a little…(Whistles that she needs to do what they’re doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)
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