7-12 : The One Where They’re Up All Night

Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder?

Ross: Huh?

Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)

Joey: (whispering) Ross!

Ross: What?

Joey: Come here, check this out!

Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.)

Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)

Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!

Joey: (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude.

Ross: Show me where?

Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)

Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open?

Joey: (annoyed) I don’t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.

Ross: Joey!

Joey: What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!

Ross: It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!

Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)

Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!

Joey: Come on!

(Ross gets fed up with Joey’s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)

Ross: I can’t believe this!!

Joey: All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down.

Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don’t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!!

Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)

Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn’t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fire escape!!

Joey: All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck.

Ross: Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in.

Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!

Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.

Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?

Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility.

Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?

Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?

Joey: No.

Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.

Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg.

Ross: Well I’m jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die!

Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we’re even!

Joey: Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!

Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later.

Joey: Yeah? Really? No one’s home?

Ross: I don’t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there… (Joey nods his disapproval.)

Monica: What?! What are you doing?!

Chandler: Do you know what just happened?

Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.

Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep.

Monica: Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)

Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!

Monica: Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Give me the good stuff.

Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don’t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn’t move as he gets out of bed and as he’s heading for the door.) And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.

Monica: Okay, I’m up! I’m up!

Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now.

Joey: All right! Just hurry up!

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)

Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.

Ross: So what do you want me to do?

Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!

(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.

Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!

Ross: It’s still looks pretty far!

Joey: It’s not that far! Just drop!

Ross: Do not rush me!!

(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey’s legs.)

Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear!

(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)

Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter!

Monica: That really was some of your best work.

Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.

Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.

Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes…

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Do you wanna?

Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish!

7-17: The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress

Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes.

Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I’ll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)

Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date.

Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay!

Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!

Chandler: Really? Right across the street?

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: When’d you meet her?

Joey: Two days ago.

Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too!

Joey: Oh yeah?

Ross: (returning) Hey.

Chandler: Hi! How’d it go?

Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy.

Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation?

Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not to worried about it.

Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!

Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating?

Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.

Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)

Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best.

Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.

Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street…

Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.

Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates.

Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates.

Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit…

Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)…a slice…(Thinks)…six dollars?

Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.

Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?

Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).

Joey: (entering) Kristen?

Kristen: Joey!

Joey: Hi!

Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?

Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I…

Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.

Joey: Hi!

Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore.

Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?

Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.

Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman?

Joey: A woman in a man’s body.

Ross: Much better.

Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?

Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son.

Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.

Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben.

Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then?

Ross: Well umm…

Kristen: You’ve been married twice?

Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?

Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.

Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?

Kristen: Do you two know each other?

Joey and Ross: No. No.

Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.

(Kristen is not enjoying this.)

Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?

Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!

Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!

Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!

Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!

Joey: Monkey lover!

(They both notice that Kristen has left.)

Joey: When do you think we lost her?

Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.

Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home!

Monica: (from the bedroom) Don’t come in here!

Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?

Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!

Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scary me. So could you come out here please?

Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress.

Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great!

Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it.

Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it?

Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it.

Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look…hideous.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?

Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.

Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!

Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little.

Chandler: Okay!

Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys?

Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day.

Monica: All right? What’s going on?

(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.)

Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.)

Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin!

Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y’know, she could use a little…(Whistles that she needs to do what they’re doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)

Oh my GOD!!!